Thursday, December 31, 2009
Healing & Revelation <3
This is a sort of thing I usually wouldn't talk about much, but I felt like sharing what I experienced. It's something a few of you might relate to.
For a while now, I've been facing so much people and experiences in my life that have been giving me so much problems. I found myself focusing on all the negativeness going on around me. Just when I think everythings fine it turns around and I have no idea whats happening.When I look for answers, everything just closes up on me and I keep falling into a deeper hole. I've been trying so hard to forget about everything and i try to be happy, acting like nothings wrong. I wasn't sure how much more I could take. Its as if I kept holding on to the edge ready to let go, not knowing how much more I could take. I felt like no one understood or could even come close to what I was feeling. All these different emotions bottled up and supressed inside of me, that it came to the point where I didn't even know what I was feeling anymore. Suddenly I was emotionless. I didn't know what to do or say. I didn't care about what would happen to me. I felt so trapped.
It had been going on for a while now. I felt like I've lost touch with everything. I didn't feel the same as I used to. I would try extremely hard to bounce back, but I just couldn't. I couldn't find out what was wrong with me. I knew that I really needed to do something about it. Then I started praying, asking God for a sign or anything to show me that he is still there, listening to me.
So two days ago, my grandpa and I were talking. My grandpa is like my hero and one of the most inspirational people I know. He told me that he knows somethings going on with me. How I've changed and I'm not like what I used to be. He said that he could tell that I've been feeling some sort of pain in my heart, saying he doesn't want me to be this way. Then all of a sudden, he began to cry, "I want you to be happy"
God! When he said that and I saw the tears on his face, I felt like screaming and bursting into tears myself. I saw how much he really cares and loves me that all he wants is for me to be happy. He made me realize that I've been beating myself down over problems that are nothing compared to others. He said to not let anyone make my heart feel broken, but to most of all to always keep praying to God asking him for strength. So i did.
A little while after, my friend Amy called. I told her about everything. I felt like she was my phycologist : ) She gave me advice and we talked about it. She helped me realize that the reason I'm holding back and closing myself up is because I trust and depend on people so easily. Now I'm not saying its a bad thing, but there are certain people out there who will take advantage of your trust and end up hurting you. Which is exactly what had happened to me with certain situaions and people in my life. I cared too much and held on to them, that I lost touch with myself, and when they broke me, I didn't know who to turn to. She told me that I had to stay strong and independent, not letting anyone hold me back. I had to express and then I would be able to find that moment where I can say "This is who I am."
That night I went to sleep. And the weirdest thing happened. I woke up yesterday morning exactly at 12 am and out of nowhere I started praying. I had no idea what had happened but I felt like something was present, it was hard to explain. But as I was praying, I began to burst into tears. I couldn't remember the last time I've cried like this. I prayed for answers, for help, guidance, and for strength.. Then i listened. I began to see how much God has blessed me with soo much and how I took it all for granted. I spent most of my time worrying about pointless and useless things, that I was too blind to see what mattered the most.
Then last night, my friend Jeffrey posted this blog on http://jeffreyrobert1.blogspot.com/
It explained all these overwhelming experiences he had during D week that helped him to feel God's presense and I thought that I needed something like that.
I talked to him about it and he told me how i should commit myself, not letting anything hold me back from seeing Jesus. It hit me when he told he to be "selfless"
That I had to step apart from myself and include Jesus into my heart. I wouldn't know who I am or be anyone if Jesus wasn't apart of me. He helped me realize that before any of this happened, the feeling I had when I felt happy and truly felt God's presence was when I felt selfless.
Finally last night I talked to God. I completely surrendered myself to him, asking him to let his spirt fill my soul and heart.
All of a sudden numbness rushed throughout all over my body. I felt this strong presence surround me. Tears started streaming down my face. I closed my eyes and i felt of all the painful memories that have bottled up and hurt me stream through my mind. I felt scared like I was going crazy, but i'm not going to deny that this really happened to me.
It was God. He was there taking all the pain and suffering away from me and in return, He gave me his love. I felt my soul being filled with his love. I felt it in my heart, and in that moment I felt ultimate bliss.
From my heart I heard his words. I listened. He said to feel his love and share it with the world. Love outshines the darkness and any pain you will ever feel. To not be afraid.
I knew this was one of those moments that I will never forget and will change my life. Those of you who are going through struggles in life and don't have a strong relationship with God as I did. Always know that God is there listening and he will always be there for you. He loves you and he wants you to know that when you have no one to turn to, he will always be there no matter who you are or what you've done. You just need to be selfless and surrender yourself to him. & just Listen.